Column - Wedding Day Jitters

Wedding Day Jitters

Well, my wedding is 2 months away and I’m getting panicky about every detail, which seems to have an affect on my eating habits. My dress is done and altered and can’t be let out & apparently I’ve gained enough weight to barely zipper it. I’ll be the equivalent of a Macy’s day float going down the aisle. Might as well strap a sign on my ass that reads, “Happy Thanksgiving”. People will be looking passed me for Santa bringin’ up the rear.
I’ll also be arriving in an Army Hummer. I can’t even begin to tell you the story on that one. I can see the headlines now: “Up tonight on your local news -- The bride wore a cream gown held together with staples as she arrived in a sleek black Hummer and proceeded to trip and fall over a couple of machine guns onto her face knocking her front teeth out while simultaneously setting off an explosion – Film at Eleven.”
I also thought it would be nice to release butterflies at the end of the ceremony and so I ordered them to arrive from a butterfly farm a day before the wedding. Now my sister is giving me nightmares because she used to raise butterflies and is telling me that if it’s not done right I’ll open the box and it will be nothing but a bunch of gooey smelly caterpillar larvae. Could you just imagine the horror? I’ll have everyone from cousin Morty to Aunt Edna puking in the fruit punch. I bet the caterer will definitely charge me extra for that. So, to cheer myself up I went for a reading with Morning Bird. She asked me if I had been dropping things or knocking things over as of late. Funny, ‘cause I was just telling my fiancé that I can’t believe how much of a butterfingers I’ve been & how strange that the paintings keep falling off the walls. I was also washing the dishes and put three glasses on the dish rack to dry and one by one I watched as one smashed onto the kitchen floor, then the next, and went to grab the last one but didn’t quite make it. Then I came to work to see all my shelves in the stock room on the floor and everything scattered and broken on the ground. I was beginning to wonder what the hell was going on when Morning Bird brought the subject up. She said my deceased Grandmother was knocking things over every time I became too tense and worked up about things. Grandma was trying to distract me and tell me I need to take more time for myself and relax. Well, at first it was an interesting tid-bit to know but now Grandma is getting out of control. Last weekend I was at my sister’s house and tripped backwards into the bedpost and gave my butt one heck of a bruise that had me on the carpet in agony with my Mother yelling, “Rub it! Rub it really quick!”. I walked into a car door at the mall and as I’m laying on the pavement all I can hear is Mom in her chirpy little voice still yelling, “Rub it! Rub it really quick!”. When I came back home I went to walk into the bathroom and thought it was really dark in there for some reason, just as my face smashed into the closed door. I can’t believe I walked into the door. The last straw occurred last night. I was in the back yard throwing the tennis ball to my yellow lab, Hannah, and she would usually fetch it and run right back dropping it at my feet. I’m totally convinced Grandma did something to the poor dog. I threw the ball and Hannah got it and was running back at me full speed and wasn’t slowing down. She charged me like a bull and rammed her head right into my stomach and I literally flew back about 5ft with my feet up over my head and landed with a huge “whump” on the lawn. When I regained consciousness I tried to yell for help but all I could do was wheeze in a raspy voice, “Honey!! My Grandmother is kicking the crap outta me!” By the time the wedding comes around Grandma will have me in the hospital! I’m starting to think that wedding planning requires a black belt. I now know why there is such a thing as a honeymoon. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel. Funny thing is that all that preparation results in a few mere hours and then it’s over in a blink of an eye. But it will all be worth it in the end and I’ll find myself laughing over this soon enough. God I hope so.