Column - Differences between men and women

Difference between men and women.
I’m feezing. I’m always cold it seems. I have thin blood. Thin blood.. hmpf… it’s probably the only thing on me that’s thin. They say women have thinner blood than men. They’re walking around in their underwear in the middle of winter and we’re ready for the Eskimo fashion show. As of late I’m the one sitting on the room heater with the permanent grill marks on my ass. Ahh…. Just one of the many differences between men and women.
Women for example, you have to admit, are quite concerned with their appearance. In this pursuit we have endured endless hours of Size 2 Aerobics Instructors drilling us like soldiers screaming, “C’MON, LADIES!!! YOU GREW IT – YOU LIFT IT!!!!!” which then leads us to a thousand bucks blown in therapy for our depression and self-esteem issues. If there is something out there that can make us smarter, more attractive, thinner, or younger we have tried it regardless of the repercussions. Even the commercials are out of control and we actually believe them. “Zeniflat can help you lose up to 30 pounds in a month. It works with your system to help rid your body of unwanted fat and harmful cholesterol that clogs your arteries. Many people have benefited from Zeniflat to finally break the battle against weight gain. Zeniflat may not be for everyone. Pregnant women and women who wish to become pregnant should not take Zeniflat due to risk of horribly disfiguring birth defects resulting in babies with nine heads. Zeniflat may cause muscle stiffness, bleeding from the eyes, increased nose snot and joint pain. Because Zeniflat blocks one-third of the fat from foods you eat, you may experience increased flatuation with an oily discharge, increased bowel movements and the inability to control them, risk of seizures, liver damage, and heart disease. People on anti-depressants should not take this drug due to the high potential to commit suicide. Zeniflat may cause shortness of breath, dizziness, migraine headaches, and big crater-like warts in the middle of your face. Consult your physician if you are at risk of any of these symptoms. Zeniflat isn’t for everyone but it is for some people and they love it!! So get back into a new slimmer, sexier you and start really living the good life again!!” Yea, right, like that’s a product I want to just run right out and get a gallon of. Hey, I might not be able to control all my bodily functions but I’ll look totally hot and sexy!! Unfortunately it might end my social life entirely if I’m on a date with the hottest guy from the party and I accidentally shit my pants. “So, honey, do you want to go see that new action movie?” “I’d love to… uh-oh…” “What the HELL was that?? The date is pretty much over right there.
Ah, Men, on the other hand, also have their weaknesses too. Using my brothers and father as an example I must say they have collected some of the most ridiculous pieces of crap from garage sales and auctions that have filled the basement to bursting capacity. A really messed up graveyard of broken items that just need a little work, oxen yolk, an old trumpet, a telephone booth, a juke box, the first 7-up machine ever made, 2 rusted iron cook stoves, a zillion old rollerskates, banjo’s that were so desperately wanted – played once – and thrown on the heap and (of course) massive boxes of comic books that are “worth alotta money” but which they will never sell. I’m not even gonna try to explain the crane and the bull-dozer my father brought home. This is just a partial list the three of them have jointly collected. Yes men are indeed different. Don’t even get me started on the whole “Car” thing. No matter what the circumstances, when greeting a male member of the family, inevitably one of the first questions will be, “How’s the car running?” I am reminded of a situation this past fall whereby my father was rushed to the hospital after having a seizure. My brother picked me up in the middle of the night and we made the 2 hour trek to upstate NY. It’s 2am and dead silence in the car assuming BOTH of us were consumed with worry and prayer until he says, “How’s the car running?” I gave him the jaw-dropped stunned look. “What in God’s name is wrong with you???!!! Our father is hanging by a thread and all you can think to say to me is How’s the car running? What the hell is wrong with the way you men think I have no idea!” “That’s not all we think about.” Dead silence after that as I patiently wait to see what else you men think about which basically means it was quiet for 2 hours. We finally arrive at the hospital and I rush into the emergency room in tears to see my poor father and when I come to his bedside he is trying hard to tell me something and finally is able to get it out….”How’s the car running, Carol ?” I just looked at my brother and shook my head. Yep….. alotta differences between men and women……