Column - Pregnant Humor

Pregnant Humor

So I’m pregnant. Me. A parent. Could you imagine that? I’m into the fourth month. The first three were hell. Why they can come up with viagra to keep a man happy into his 100’s but it’s okay for a woman to vomit 24hrs. a day for 90 days without a solution I’ll never know. I’ve christened every street from for a 30mile radius. I’m expecting the Sanitation dept. to drag me oughta the grocery store in handcuffs any day now. My husband had the flu and vomited for 24 hours and all I could say was, “Tough Shit! Try having it for 3 months, you Wus!” Mood Swings – gotta luv ‘em.
Don’t get me started on the whole boob issue. I could give Dolly Parton a run for her money. I mean -- how much milk is this kid gonna need anyways?!! This is ridiculous! I could start my own dairy at this point!! “Carol’s Farms” – now in new lightweight containers! Everyone says I should definitely breast-feed because it’s so healthy for the baby. Little do they know I’m part Italian which basically means the kid’s gonna be hackin’ up hairballs like a cat.
We can’t seem to decide on a name either. My psychics say it’s gonna be a boy and I sorta feel that way too. My husband keeps calling it Rocco and has pretty much shot down any normal name I seem to come up with. We have two baby books of over 35,000 names and we can’t seem to find ONE we agree upon. The kid will be 5yrs. Old and we’ll still be callin’ it “Hey you”. I’ve been reading every baby book I can get my hands on so that I don’t accidentally kill it in the first week. I’ve killed almost every houseplant I’ve ever had and my last pet committed suicide. I must have dropped my niece on the floor about eight times in the first 6 months of her life. I’m surprised she doesn’t have brain damage. I’m gonna try to cut down on the swearing too. His first words will be “son-of-a-bitch” for sure. I was a nanny for a short period of time and I was terrible at it. On my second day I was writing a note to the nursery school teacher saying Jimmy and Sue couldn’t make it to playtime because they were hung-over. They got into their father’s beer as I was cleaning toothpaste off the TV from the other two hoodlums. Two yr. old Sue was crying into her sippy cup and all three yr. old Jimmy could do was hold his head and pathetically whine, “Make her stoooooopppp!!!!”
My girlfriend recently had a baby. One day when I was visiting her she was changing the baby’s diaper. The baby was a little over a week old and that black belly button nub thing was still there and hadn’t fallen off yet. Just as I was thinking “I hope that thing doesn’t cut loose with me being here and all” it does. She picks up the naked baby out of the old diaper and the thing pops off like a champagne cork and goes flying across the linoleum. Before I could express any emotion at all, quick as flash, the dog runs over and snaps it up like a doggy treat and one swallow later it was gone forever. All I could do was drop my jaw to the ground and look horrified with shock and disgust and scream loudly, “DID YOU JUST SEE THAT??!!!” “MY, GOD!!” “COULD HE DIE??!!” Now if this isn’t shocking enough to blow your mind my friend goes after the dog and grabs its muzzle and sticks her fingers down it’s throat, all the while yelling “Bad Dog! Spit it out!” Jesus, I think this goes a little bit beyond what I think of as “bad dog”. Then to be gutsy enough to try to go after it was enough to make me wet myself. I thought she was trying to save the life of the dog, but she wasn’t , she actually wanted the thing back to put in her scrapbook. God, I hope I don't turn into one of those scrapbooking moms. So…. It seems I have a lot of things to look forward to. Yah!