Column - Bye, Bye Boobies!

Bye, Bye Boobies!

Yup, that’s right – I’m chopping my boobs off. I’m going in for a breast reduction this month. Men will think, “Why on earth would any woman ever want to do that?” but women know what I’m talkin’ about. When middle age hits and our “nickels” (as my daughter likes to call them) start getting closer to our belly buttons it’s time to re-think things. In my case, it’s because of back problems that I’m getting it done but the fact that I’ll be sportin’ some 17 yr. old tits doesn’t hurt either. Those white grandma sized-DD boulder holders will huge straps that could hold a rig together, will be gone forever. Hello to little B-sized lacy type bras that I envied in their cute little doll-size and spaghetti straps with wild colors such as, “Ravaging Crimson”. (sigh)
So as the days count down and I think of all the life these boobies have seen I can’t help but remember life back as a pre-teen eagerly wishing for them to finally start to grow. Just about everybody had that Judy Bloom book “Are you there God, it’s me Margaret” and did that stupid ass “We must increase our bust” exercise to encourage some growth.
I can’t seem to stop thinking about my 11th year and having a huge crush on Michael Hornon. It took a lot of courage and some sweaty palms to write him a note asking him if he wanted to “go out” with me. After class he walked up to me with all his buddies and flat out said in front of everyone, “I can’t go out with you because you’re so flat-chested.” Man – I felt like that medieval gnome jumped out of a bush and smacked me in the face with a boat oar. For the next year all the boys called me, “Flat-Jack” because I was apparently as “flat as a flap-jack”. Shit – I was a fifth-grader – nobody had boobs back then. I have to burst out laughing now thinking about the irony. So “Up yours, Hornon, wherever you are!” I’m going bra shopping. :-)