Column - Christmas gone awry - 2

Christmas gone awry - 2

How did everyone’s Holiday go this year? Mine was quite typical. On Christmas Eve I closed the store early because I had an abscess and had to have an emergency root canal. Since I am a big baby it hurt a lot of course followed by a 3 hour drive to upstate NY with the dog whining like it’s paw is shut in the door and absolutely NO PAIN KILLER because it would have made me drowsy. So by the time I got there my endorphins were either kicking in or I thought I saw a pink Care Bear smoking a cigar in the back of what appeared to be a deformed sleigh with the angel of death dressed as a ghastly Santa. My mother took one look at me and pushed aside the Tylenol with Codeine I had and went right for the Vicaden she had saved in the cabinet for a special occasion. Mom always knows best. So basically I couldn’t eat anything without being in extreme pain or being doped up and sleeping on drugs. Ahh.. but by the end of Christmas day we were all on the Vicaden and kickin’ it back with bourbon.
The day started out as a typical Christmas morn except this year Santa got lazy and slept in and forgot to put the presents out for the kids the night before whereby they obviously saw nothing that morning and totally crushing their illusions of Santa forevermore. So half dazed and needing coffee we all dragged out the loot for the kids in broad daylight and dragged their butts out of childhood with a horrid little jolt and stuffed the half-wrapped items under the x-mas “bush”. That’s right – a bush. This tree was meant for a cathedral ceiling which we have and it’s base was at least 15ft. wide with branches but 4ft up the tree it suddenly ended as if the rest of the tree was chopped off at the top. It was a sickly sight and my parent’s are developing an obviously sick sense of judgment. Soon after this, said presents were slightly maimed due to my parent’s dog getting territorial with my visiting puppy and quite a dog fight took place and said puppy preceded to yelp and whine for the next 24 hours incessantly driving us all to want to cook her for dinner that evening. My sister and I got into an argument as usual, the result of which ended in her accidentally driving my Mother’s month-old Brand New Avalon (nice car-leather seats that heat up – how yummy) into my car and completely smashing my Mom’s car to bits and making my front bumper fall off. It was then that the bourbon came out. Which was a good thing because when the Kitchen caught fire I hardly noticed at all. Good thing my father bought my mother a fire extinguisher for x-mas. (how romantic) It came in quite handy for that reason and later on in the day when Dad sorta lit the jeep on fire as well.
I can’t believe this is all true. I’m still in shock as I write this. Can you believe it? The topper on the cake is when a certain female, who shall remain nameless, after numerous years with her beau was expecting a ring and instead received a meat grinder!! What in God’s name was he thinking?? I have no idea. She doesn’t even cook toast let alone grind up an animal carcass to be stuffed in sausages. Lord! Men – here’s a hint – JEWELRY. When in doubt go for the gusto and get jewelry and lots of it and make it expensive. It’s the only way to fly. If it was me that had gotten the grinder the first thing I’d be a grindin’ would probably be the bearer of such a gift. I could always say it was the Vicaden that did it. So that was my lovely little holiday.